ed to talk to Jacob alone. Yet I still wished I could somehow hold Edwards hand, like I had before,
when Jacob was unconscious. Impossible. But I missed Edward  it had seemed like a very long
afternoon alone with Alice. I supposed that made my answer quite obvious. I already knew that I
couldnt live without Edward. That fact wasnt going to make this any less painful.

I tapped quietly on the front door.

Come in, Bella, Billy said. The roar of my truck was easy to recognize.

I let myself in.

Hey, Billy. Is he awake? I asked.

He woke up about a half hour ago, just before the doctor left. Go on in. I think hes been waiting for
you.

I flinched, and then took a deep breath. Thanks.

 I hesitated at the door to Jacobs room, not sure whether to knock. I decided to peek first, hoping 
coward that I was  that maybe hed gone back to sleep. I felt like I could use just a few more minutes.

I opened the door a crack and leaned hesitantly in.

 Jacob was waiting for me, his face calm and smooth. The haggard, gaunt look was gone, but only a
careful blankness took its place. There was no animation in his dark eyes.

 It was hard to look at his face, knowing that I loved him. It made more of a difference than I would have
thought. I wondered if it had always been this hard for him, all this time.

Thankfully, someone had covered him with a quilt. It was a relief not to have to see the extent of the
damage.

I stepped in and shut the door quietly behind me.

Hi, Jake, I murmured.
 He didnt answer at first. He looked at my face for a long moment. Then, with some effort, he
rearranged his expression into a slightly mocking smile.

 Yeah, I sort of thought it might be like that. He sighed. Today has definitely taken a turn for the
worse. First I pick the wrong place, miss the best fight, and Seth gets all the glory. Then Leah has to be
an idiot trying to prove shes as tough as the rest of us and I have to be the idiot who saves her. And now
this. He waved his left hand toward me where I hesitated by the door.

How are you feeling? I mumbled. What a stupid question.

A little stoned. Dr. Fang isnt sure how much pain medication I need, so hes going with trial and error.
Think he overdid it.

But youre not in pain.

No. At least, I cant feel my injuries, he said, smiling mockingly again.

 I bit my lip. I was never going to get through this. Why didnt anyone ever try to kill me when Iwanted
to die?

The wry humor left his face, and his eyes warmed up. His forehead creased, like he was worried.

How about you? he asked, sounding really concerned. Are you okay?

Me? I stared at him. Maybe hehad taken too many drugs.Why?

 Well, I mean, I was pretty sure that he wouldnt actuallyhurt you, but I wasnt sure how bad it was
going to be. Ive been going a little crazy with worrying about you ever since I woke up. I didnt know if
you were going to be allowed to visit or anything. The suspense was terrible. How did it go? Was he
mean to you? Im sorry if it was bad. I didnt mean for you to have to go through that alone. I was
thinking Id be there. . . .

It took me a minute to even understand. He babbled on, looking more and more awkward, until I got
what he was saying. Then I hurried to reassure him.

No, no, Jake! Im fine. Too fine, really. Of course he wasnt mean. I wish!

His eyes widened in what looked like horror.What?

He wasnt even mad at me  he wasnt even mad atyou ! Hes so unselfish it makes me feel even
worse. I wish he would have yelled at me or something. Its not like I dont deserve . . . well, much
worse that getting yelled at. But he doesnt care. He just wants me to behappy. 

He wasnt mad? Jacob asked, incredulous.

No. He was . . . much too kind.

Jacob stared for another minute, and then he suddenly frowned. Well,damn ! he growled.

Whats wrong, Jake? Does it hurt? My hands fluttered uselessly as I looked around for his medication.
 No, he grumbled in a disgusted tone. I cant believe this! He didnt give you an ultimatum or
anything?

Not even close  whats wrong with you?

 He scowled and shook his head. I was sort of counting on his reaction. Damn it all. Hes better than I
thought.

 The way he said it, though angrier, reminded me of Edwards tribute to Jacobs lack of ethics in the tent
this morning. Which meant that Jake was still hoping, still fighting. I winced as that stabbed deep.

Hes not playing any game, Jake, I said quietly.

 You bet he is. Hes playing every bit as hard as I am, only he knows what hes doing and I dont.
Dont blame me because hes a better manipulator than I am  I havent been around long enough to
learn all his tricks.

He isnt manipulating me!

Yes, he is! When are you going to wake up and realize that hes not a perfect as you think he is?

 At least he didnt threaten to kill himself to make me kiss him, I snapped. As soon as the words were
out, I flushed with chagrin. Wait. Pretend that didnt slip out. I swore to myself that I wasnt going to say
anything about that.

He took a deep breath. When he spoke, he was calmer. Why not?

Because I didnt come here to blame you for anything.

Its true, though, he said evenly. I did do that.

I dont care, Jake. Im not mad.

He smiled. I dont care, either. I knew youd forgive me, and Im glad I did it. Id do it again. At least I
have that much. At least I made you see that youdo love me. Thats worth something.

Is it? Is it really better than if I was still in the dark?

 Dont you think you ought to know how you feel  just so that it doesnt take you by surprise
someday when its too late and youre a married vampire?

I shook my head. No  I didnt mean better for me. I meant better foryou. Does it make things better
or worse for you, having me know that Im in love with you? When it doesnt make a difference either
way. Would it have been better, easier for you, if I never clued in?

 He took my question as seriously as Id meant it, thinking carefully before he answered. Yes, its better
to have you know, he finally decided. If you hadnt figured it out . . . Id have always wondered if your
decision would have been different if you had. Now I know. I did everything I could. He dragged in an
unsteady breath, and closed his eyes.
 This time I did not  could not  resist the urge to comfort him. I crossed the small room and kneeled
by his head, afraid to sit on the bed in case I jostled it and hurt him, and leaned in to touch my forehead
to his cheek.

Jacob sighed, and put his hand on my hair, holding me there.

Im so sorry, Jake.

I always knew this was a long shot. Its not your fault, Bella.

Not you, too, I moaned. Please.

He pulled away to look at me. What?

Itis my fault. And Im so sick of being told its not.

He grinned. It didnt touch his eyes. You want me to haul you over the coals?

Actually . . . I think I do.

He pursed his lips as he measured how much I meant it. A smile flashed across his face briefly, and then
he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl.

 Kissing me back like that was inexcusable. He spit the words at me. If you knew you were just going
to take it back, maybe you shouldnt have been quite so convincing about it.

I winced and nodded. Im so sorry.

Sorry doesnt make anything better, Bella. What were you thinking?

I wasnt, I whispered.

You should have told me to go die. Thats what you want.

No, Jacob, I whimpered, fighting against the budding tears. No! Never.

Youre not crying? he demanded, his voice suddenly back to its normal tone. He twitched impatiently
on the bed.

Yeah, I muttered, laughing weakly at myself through the tears that were suddenly sobs.

He shifted his weight, throwing his good leg off the bed as if he were going to try to stand.

 What are you doing? I demanded through the tears. Lie down, you idiot, youll hurt yourself! I
jumped to my feet and pushed his good shoulder down with two hands.

He surrendered, leaning back with a gasp of pain, but he grabbed me around my waist and pulled me
down on the bed, against his good side. I curled up there, trying to stifle the silly sobs against his hot skin.

 I cant believe youre crying, he mumbled. You know I just said those things because you wanted me
to. I didnt mean them. His hand rubbed against my shoulders.
I know. I took a deep, ragged breath, trying to control myself. How did I end up being the one crying
while he did the comforting? Its all still true, though. Thanks for saying it out loud.

Do I get points for making you cry?

Sure, Jake. I tried to smile. As many as you want.

Dont worry, Bella, honey. Its all going to work out.

I dont see how, I muttered.

He patted the top of my head. Im going to give in and be good.

More games? I wondered, tilting my chin so that I could see his face.

Maybe. He laughed with a bit of effort, and then winced. But Im going to try.

I frowned.

Dont be so pessimistic, he complained. Give me a little credit.

What do you mean by be good?

Ill be your friend, Bella, he said quietly. I wont ask for more than that.

I think its too late for that, Jake. How can we be friends, when we love each other like this?

 He looked at the ceiling, his stare intent, as if he were reading something that was written there. Maybe
. . . it will have to be a long-distance friendship.

 I clenched my teeth together, glad he wasnt looking at my face, fighting against the sobs that threatened
to overtake me again. I needed to be strong, and I had no idea how. . . .

 You know that story in the Bible? Jacob asked suddenly, still reading the blank ceiling. The one with
the king and the two women fighting over the baby?

Sure. King Solomon.

 Thats right. King Solomon, he repeated. And he said, cut the kid in half . . . but it was only a test.
Just to see who would give up their share to protect it.

Yeah, I remember.

He looked back at my face. Im not going to cut you in half anymore, Bella.

 I understood what he was saying. He was telling me that he loved me the most, that his surrender proved
it. I wanted to defend Edward, to tell Jacob how Edward would do the same thing if I wanted, if I would
let him. I was the one who wouldnt renounce my claim there. But there was no point in starting an
argument that would only hurt him more.
I closed my eyes, willing myself to control the pain. I couldnt impose that on him.

 We were quiet for a moment. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something; I was trying to think of
something to say.

Can I tell you what the worst part is? he asked hesitantly when I said nothing. Do you mind? Iam
going to be good.

Will it help? I whispered.

It might. It couldnt hurt.

Whats the worst part, then?

The worse part is knowing what would have been.

Whatmight have been. I sighed.

 No. Jacob shook his head. Im exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us 
comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken. . . . He stared into
space for a moment, and I waited. If the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no
monsters and no magic . . .

 I could see what he saw, and I knew that he was right. If the world was the sane place it was supposed
to be, Jacob and I would have been together. And we would have been happy. He was my soul mate in
that world  would have been my soul mate still if his claim had not been overshadowed by something
stronger, something so strong that it could not exist in a rational world.

Was it out there for Jacob, too? Something that would trump a soul mate? I had to believe that it was.

 Two futures, two soul mates . . . too much for any one person. And so unfair that I wouldnt be the only
one to pay for it. Jacobs pain seemed too high a price. Cringing at the thought of that price, I wondered
if I would have wavered, if I hadnt lost Edward once. If I didnt know what it was like to live without
him. I wasnt sure. That knowledge was so deep a part of me, I couldnt imagine how I would feel
without it.

 Hes like a drug for you, Bella. His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. I see that you cant live
without him now. Its too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been
the air, the sun.

The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. I used to think of you that way, you know.
Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me.

He sighed. The clouds I can handle. But I cant fight with an eclipse.

I touched his face, laying my hand against his cheek. He exhaled at my touch and closed his eyes. It was
very quiet. For a minute I could hear the beating of his heart, slow and even.

Tell me the worst part for you, he whispered.

I think that might be a bad idea.
Please.

I think it will hurt.

Please.

How could I deny him anything at this point?

 The worst part . . . I hesitated, and then let words spill out in a flood of truth. The worst part is that I
saw the whole thing  our whole life. And I want it bad, Jake, I want it all. I want to stay right here and
never move. I want to love you and make you happy. And I cant, and its killing me. Its like Sam and
Emily, Jake  I never had a choice. I always knew nothing would change. Maybe thats why I was
fighting against you so hard.

He seemed to be concentrating on breathing evenly.

I knew I shouldnt have told you that.

He shook his head slowly. No. Im glad you did. Thank you. He kissed the top of my head, and then
he sighed. Ill be good now.

I looked up, and he was smiling.

So youre going to get married, huh?

We dont have to talk about that.

Id like to know some of the details. I dont know when Ill talk to you again.

 I had to wait for a minute before I could speak. When I was pretty sure that my voice wouldnt break, I
answered his question.

Its not really my idea . . . but, yes. It means a lot to him. I figure, why not?

Jake nodded. Thats true. Its not such a big thing  in comparison.

 His voice was very calm, very practical. I stared at him, curious about how he was managing, and that
ruined it. He met my eyes for a second, and then twisted his head away. I waited to speak until his
breathing was under control.

Yes. In comparison, I agreed.

How long do you have left?

That depends on how long it takes Alice to pull a wedding together. I suppressed a groan, imagining
what Alice would do.

Before or after? he asked quietly.

I knew what he meant. After.
He nodded. This was a relief to him. I wondered how many sleepless nights the thought of my
graduation had given him.

Are you scared? he whispered.

Yes, I whispered back.

What are you afraid of? I could barely hear his voice now. He stared down at my hands.

 Lots of things. I worked to make my voice lighter, but I stayed honest. Ive never been much of a
masochist, so Im not looking forward to the pain. And I wish there was some way to keephim away 
I dont want him to suffer with me, but I dont think theres any way around it. Theres dealing with
Charlie, too, and Ren?e. . . . And then afterward, I hope Ill be able to control myselfsoon. Maybe Ill be
such a menace that the pack will have to take me out.

He looked up with a disapproving expression. Id hamstring any one of my brothers who tried.

Thanks.

 He smiled halfheartedly. Then he frowned. But isnt it more dangerous than that? In all of the stories,
they say its too hard . . . they lose control . . . people die. . . . He gulped.

No, Im not afraid of that. Silly Jacob  dont you know better than to believe vampire stories?

He obviously didnt appreciate my attempt at humor.

Well, anyway, lots to worry about. But worth it, in the end.

He nodded unwillingly, and I knew that he in no way agreed with me.

I stretched my neck up to whisper in his ear, laying my cheek against his warm skin. You know I love
you.

I know, he breathed, his arm tightening automatically around my waist. You know how much I wish it
was enough.

Yes.

 Ill always be waiting in the wings, Bella, he promised, lightening his tone and loosening his arm. I
pulled away with a dull, dragging sense of loss, feeling the tearing separation as I left a part of me behind,
there on the bed next to him. Youll always have that spare option if you want it.

I made an effort to smile. Until my heart stops beating.

He grinned back. You know, I think maybe Id still take you  maybe. I guess that depends on how
much you stink.

Should I come back to see you? Or would you rather I didnt?

Ill think it through and get back to you, he said. I might need the company to keep from going crazy.
The vampire surgeon extraordinaire says I cant phase until he gives the okay  it might mess up the
way the bones are set. Jacob made a face.

Be good and do what Carlisle tells you to do. Youll get well faster.

Sure, sure.

I wonder when it will happen, I said. When the right girl is going to catch your eye.

 Dont get your hopes up, Bella. Jacobs voice was abruptly sour. Though Im sure it would be a relief
for you.

Maybe, maybe not. I probably wont think shes good enough for you. I wonder how jealous Ill be.

That part might be kind of fun, he admitted.

Let me know if you want me to come back, and Ill be here, I promised.

With a sigh, he turned his cheek toward me.

I leaned in and kissed his face softly. Love you, Jacob.

He laughed lightly. Love you more.

He watched me walk out of his room with an unfathomable expression in his black eyes.




27. NEEDS

IDIDNT GET VERY FAR BEFORE DRIVING BECAME IMPOS sible.

 When I couldnt see anymore, I let my tires find the rough shoulder and rolled slowly to a stop. I
slumped over on the seat and allowed the weakness Id fought in Jacobs room crush me. It was worse
that Id thought  the force of it took me by surprise. Yes, I had been right to hide this from Jacob. No
one should ever see this.

But I wasnt alone for very long  just exactly long enough for Alice to see me here, and then the few
minutes it took him to arrive. The door creaked open, and he pulled me into his arms.

 At first it was worse. Because there was that smaller part of me  smaller, but getting louder and
angrier every minute, screaming at the rest of me  that craved a different set of arms. So then there was
fresh guilt to season the pain.

He didnt say anything, he just let me sob until I began to blubber out Charlies name.

Are you really ready to go home? he asked doubtfully.

I managed to convey, after several attempts, that it wasnt going to get any better anytime soon. I
needed to get past Charlie before it got late enough for him to call Billy.
 So he drove me home  for once not even getting close to my trucks internal speed limit  keeping
one arm wrapped tightly around me. The whole way, I fought for control. It seemed to be a doomed
effort at first, but I didnt give up. Just a few seconds, I told myself. Just time for a few excuses, or a few
lies, and then I could break down again. I had to be able to do that much. I scrambled around in my
head, searching desperately for a reserve of strength.

 There was just enough for me to quiet the sobs  hold them back but not end them. The tears didnt
slow. I couldnt seem to find any handle to even begin to work with those.

Wait for me upstairs, I mumbled when we were in front of the house.

He hugged me closer for one minute, and then he was gone.

Once inside, I headed straight for the stairs.

Bella? Charlie called after me from his usual place on the sofa as I walked by.

I turned to look at him without speaking. His eyes bugged wide, and he lurched to his feet.

What happened? Is Jacob . . . ? he demanded.

I shook my head furiously, trying to find my voice. Hes fine, hes fine, I promised, my voice low and
husky. And Jacobwas fine, physically, which is all Charlie was worried about at the moment.

But what happened? He grabbed my shoulders, his eyes still anxious and wide. What happened to
you?

I must look worse than Id imagined.

Nothing, Dad. I . . . just had to talk to Jacob about . . . some things that were hard. Im fine.

The anxiety calmed, and was replaced by disapproval.

Was this really the best time? he asked.

 Probably not, Dad, but I didnt have any alternatives  it just got to the point where I had to choose. .
. . Sometimes, there isnt any way to compromise.

He shook his head slowly. How did he handle it?

I didnt answer.

He looked at my face for a minute, and then nodded. That must have been answer enough.

I hope you didnt mess up his recovery.

Hes a quick healer, I mumbled.

Charlie sighed.
I could feel the control slipping.

Ill be in my room, I told him, shrugging out from underneath his hands.

Kay, Charlie agreed. He could probably see the waterworks starting to escalate. Nothing scared
Charlie worse than tears.

I made my way to my room, blind and stumbling.

Once inside, I fought with the clasp on my bracelet, trying to undo it with shaking fingers.

No, Bella, Edward whispered, capturing my hands. Its part of who you are.

He pulled me into the cradle of his arms as the sobs broke free again.

This longest of days seemed to stretch on and on and on. I wondered if it would ever end.

But, though the night dragged relentlessly, it was not the worst night of my life. I took comfort from that.
And I was not alone. There was a great deal of comfort in that, too.

Charlies fear of emotional outbursts kept him from checking on me, though I was not quiet  he
probably got no more sleep than I did.

 My hindsight seemed unbearably clear tonight. I could see every mistake Id made, every bit of harm Id
done, the small things and the big things. Each pain Id caused Jacob, each wound Id given Edward,
stacked up into neat piles that I could not ignore or deny.

 And I realized that Id been wrong all along about the magnets. It had not been Edward and Jacob that
Id been trying to force together, it was the two parts of myself, Edwards Bella and Jacobs Bella. But
they could not exist together, and I never should have tried.

Id done so much damage.

At some point in the night, I remembered the promise Id made to myself early this morning  that I
would never make Edward see me shed another tear for Jacob Black. The thought brought on a round of
hysteria which frightened Edward more than the weeping. But it passed, too, when it had run its course.

Edward said little; he just held me on the bed and let me ruin his shirt, staining it with salt water.

 It took longer than I thought it would for that smaller, broken part of me to cry herself out. It happened,
though, and I was eventually exhausted enough to sleep. Unconsciousness did not bring full relief from the
pain, just a numbing, dulling ease, like medicine. Made it more bearable. But it was still there; I was
aware of it, even asleep, and that helped me to make the adjustments I needed to make.

 The morning brought with it, if not a brighter outlook, as least a measure of control, some acceptance.
Instinctively, I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache. That was just going to be a part of
me now. Time would make it easier  thats what everyone always said. But I didnt care if time healed
me or not, so long as Jacob could get better. Could be happy again.

When I woke up, there was no disorientation. I opened my eyes  finally dry  and met his anxious
gaze.
Hey, I said. My voice was hoarse. I cleared my throat.

He didnt answer. He watched me, waiting for it to start.

No, Im fine, I promised. That wont happen again.

His eyes tightened at my words.

Im sorry that you had to see that, I said. That wasnt fair to you.

He put his hands on either side of my face.

Bella . . . are yousure ? Did you make the right choice? Ive never seen you in so much pain  His
voice broke on the last word.

But I had known worse pain.

I touched his lips. Yes.

I dont know. . . . His brow creased. If it hurts you so much, how can it possibly be the right thing for
you?

Edward, I know who I cant live without.

But . . .

I shook my head. You dont understand. You may be brave enough or strong enough to live without
me, if thats whats best. But I could never be that self-sacrificing. I have to be with you. Its the only
way I can live.

He still looked dubious. I should never have let him stay with me last night. But I had needed him so
much. . . .

Hand me that book, will you? I asked, pointing over his shoulder.

His eyebrows pulled together in confusion, but he gave it to me quickly.

This again? he asked.

 I just wanted to find this one part I remembered