I agreed bitterly. I should save my energy to torment Jacob some more. I wouldnt want to
leave any part of him unharmed.

He knew what he was doing.

 Do you think that matters? I was blinking back tears, and this was easy to hear in my voice. Do you
think I care whether its fair or whether he was adequately warned? Imhurting him. Every time I turn
around, Im hurting him again. My voice was getting louder, more hysterical. Im a hideous person.

He wrapped his arms tightly around me. No, youre not.

 I am! Whats wrong with me? I struggled against his arms, and he let them drop. I have to go find
him.

Bella, hes already miles away, and its cold.

 I dont care. I cant justsit here. I shrugged off Jacobs parka, shoved my feet into my boots, and
crawled stiffly to the door; my legs felt numb. I have to  I have to . . . I didnt know how to finish the
sentence, didnt know what there was to do, but I unzipped the door anyway, and climbed out into the
bright, icy morning.

 There was less snow than I would have thought after the fury of last nights storm. Probably it had blown
away rather than melted in the sun that now shone low in the southeast, glancing off the snow that
lingered and stabbing at my unadjusted eyes. The air still had a bite to it, but it was dead calm and slowly
becoming more seasonable as the sun rose higher.

Seth Clearwater was curled up on a patch of dry pine needles in the shadow of a thick spruce, his head
on his paws. His sand-colored fur was almost invisible against the dead needles, but I could see the
bright snow reflect off his open eyes. He was staring at me with what I imagined was an accusation.

 I knew Edward was following me as I stumbled toward the trees. I couldnt hear him, but the sun
reflected off his skin in glittering rainbows that danced ahead of me. He didnt reach out to stop me until I
was several paces into the forest shadows.

His hand caught my left wrist. He ignored it when I tried to yank myself free.

 You cant go after him. Not today. Its almost time. And getting yourself lost wouldnt help anyone,
regardless.

I twisted my wrist, pulling uselessly.

Im sorry, Bella, he whispered. Im sorry I did that.

 You didnt do anything. Its my fault. I did this. I did everything wrong. I could have . . . When he . . . I
shouldnt have . . . I . . . I . . . I was sobbing.

Bella, Bella.

His arms folded around me, and my tears soaked into his shirt.

 I should have  told him  I should  have said  What? What could have made this right? He
shouldnt have  found out like this.

Do you want me to see if I can bring him back, so that you can talk to him? Theres still a little time,
Edward murmured, hushed agony in his voice.

I nodded into his chest, afraid to see his face.

Stay by the tent. Ill be back soon.

 His arms disappeared. He left so quickly that, in the second it took me to look up, he was already gone.
I was alone.

A new sob broke from my chest. I was hurting everyone today. Was there anything I touched that didnt
get spoiled?

 I didnt know why it was hitting me so hard now. It wasnt like I hadnt known this was coming all
along. But Jacob had never reacted so strongly  lost his bold overconfidence and shown the intensity
of his pain. The sound of his agony still cut at me, somewhere deep in my chest. Right beside it was the
other pain. Pain for feeling pain over Jacob. Pain for hurting Edward, too. For not being able to watch
Jacob go with composure, knowing that it was the right thing, the only way.

I was selfish, I was hurtful. I tortured the ones I loved.

 I was like Cathy, likeWuthering Heights, only my options were so much better than hers, neither one
evil, neither one weak. And here I sat, crying about it, not doing anything productive to make it right. Just
like Cathy.
 I couldnt allow what hurtme to influence my decisions anymore. It was too little, much too late, but I
had to do what was right now. Maybe it was already done for me. Maybe Edward would not be able to
bring him back. And then I would accept that and get on with my life. Edward would never see me shed
another tear for Jacob Black. There would be no more tears. I wiped the last of them away with cold
fingers now.

But if Edward did return with Jacob, that was it. I had to tell him to go away and never come back.

 Why was that so hard? So very much more difficult than saying goodbye to my other friends, to Angela,
to Mike? Why did thathurt ? It wasnt right. That shouldnt be able to hurt me. I had what I wanted. I
couldnt have them both, because Jacob could not be just my friend. It was time to give up wishing for
that. How ridiculously greedy could any one person be?

I had to get over this irrational feeling that Jacob belonged in my life. He couldnt belong with me, could
not bemy Jacob, when I belonged to someone else.

 I walked slowly back to the little clearing, my feet dragging. When I broke into the open space, blinking
against the sharp light, I threw one quick glance toward Seth  he hadnt moved from his bed of pine
needles  and then looked away, avoiding his eyes.

 I could feel that my hair was wild, twisted into clumps like Medusas snakes. I yanked through it with my
fingers, and then gave up quickly. Who cared what I looked like, anyway?

 I grabbed the canteen hanging beside the tent door and shook it. It sloshed wetly, so I unscrewed the lid
and took a swig to rinse my mouth with the ice water. There was food somewhere nearby, but I didnt
feel hungry enough to look for it. I started pacing across the bright little space, feeling Seths eyes on me
the whole time. Because I wouldnt look at him, in my head he became the boy again, rather than the
gigantic wolf. So much like a younger Jacob.

I wanted to ask Seth to bark or give some other sign if Jacob was coming back, but I stopped myself. It
didnt matter if Jacob came back. It might be easier if he didnt. I wished I had some way to call
Edward.

Seth whined at that moment, and got to his feet.

What is it? I asked him stupidly.

He ignored me, trotting to the edge of the trees, and pointing his nose toward the west. He began
whimpering.

Is it the others, Seth? I demanded. In the clearing?

He looked at me and yelped softly once, and then turned his nose alertly back to the west. His ears laid
back and he whined again.

Why was I such a fool? What was I thinking, sending Edward away? How was I supposed to know
what was going on? I didnt speak wolf.

A cold trickle of fear began to ooze down my spine. What if the time had run out? What if Jacob and
Edward got too close? What if Edward decided to join in the fight?
 The icy fear pooled in my stomach. What if Seths distress had nothing to do with the clearing, and his
yelp had been a denial? What if Jacob and Edward were fighting with each other, far away somewhere in
the forest? They wouldnt do that, would they?

 With sudden, chilling certainty I realized that they would  if the wrong words were said. I thought of
the tense standoff in the tent this morning, and I wondered if Id underestimated how close it had come to
a fight.

It would be no more than I deserved if I somehow lost them both.

The ice locked around my heart.

 Before I could collapse with fear, Seth grumbled slightly, deep in his chest, and then turned away from
his watch and sauntered back toward his resting place. It calmed me, but irritated me. Couldnt he
scratch a message in the dirt or something?

The pacing was starting to make me sweat under all my layers. I threw my jacket into the tent, and then I
went back to wearing a path across the center of the tiny break in the trees.

 Seth jumped to his feet again suddenly, the hackles on the back of his neck standing up stiffly. I looked
around, but saw nothing. If Seth didnt cut it out, I was going to throw a pinecone at him.

He growled, a low warning sound, slinking back toward the western rim, and I rethought my impatience.

Its just us, Seth, Jacob called from a distance.

I tried to explain to myself why my heart kicked into fourth gear when I heard him. It was just fear of
what I was going to have to do now, that was all. I could not allow myself to be relieved that hed come
back. That would be the opposite of helpful.

 Edward walked into view first, his face blank and smooth. When he stepped out from the shadows, the
sun shimmered on his skin like it did on the snow. Seth went to greet him, looking intently into his eyes.
Edward nodded slowly, and worry creased his forehead.

 Yes, thats all we need, he muttered to himself before addressing the big wolf. I suppose we
shouldnt be surprised. But the timing is going to be very close. Please have Sam ask Alice to try to nail
the schedule down better.

 Seth dipped his head once, and I wished I was able to growl. Sure, he could nodnow. I turned my head,
annoyed, and realized that Jacob was there.

He had his back to me, facing the way hed come. I waited warily for him to turn around.

 Bella, Edward murmured, suddenly right beside me. He stared down at me with nothing but concern
showing in his eyes. There was no end to his generosity. I deserved him now less than I ever had.

 Theres a bit of a complication, he told me, his voice carefully unworried. Im going to take Seth a
little ways away and try to straighten it out. I wont go far, but I wont listen, either. I know you dont
want an audience, no matter which way you decide to go.

Only at the very end did the pain break into his voice.
 I had to never hurt him again. That would be my mission in life. Never again would I be the reason for
this look to come into his eyes.

I was too upset to even ask him what the new problem was. I didnt need anything else right now.

Hurry back, I whispered.

He kissed me lightly on the lips, and then disappeared into the forest with Seth at his side.

Jacob was still in the shadow of the trees; I couldnt see his expression clearly.

Im in a hurry, Bella, he said in a dull voice. Why dont you get it over with?

I swallowed, my throat suddenly so dry I wasnt sure if I could make sound come out.

Just say the words, and be done with it.

I took a deep breath.

 Im sorry Im such a rotten person, I whispered. Im sorry Ive been so selfish. I wish Id never met
you, so I couldnt hurt you the way I have. I wont do it anymore, I promise. Ill stay far away from you.
Ill move out of the state. You wont have to look at me ever again.

Thats not much of an apology, he said bitterly.

I couldnt make my voice louder than a whisper. Tell me how to do it right.

 What if I dont want you to go away? What if Id rather you stayed, selfish or not? Dont I get any say,
if youre trying to make things up to me?

 That wont help anything, Jake. It was wrong to stay with you when we wanted such different things.
Its not going to get better. Ill just keep hurting you. I dont want to hurt you anymore. I hate it. My
voice broke.

He sighed. Stop. You dont have to say anything else. I understand.

 I wanted to tell him how much I would miss him, but I bit my tongue. That would not help anything,
either.

 He stood quietly for a moment, staring at the ground, and I fought against the urge to go and put my
arms around him. To comfort him.

And then his head snapped up.

 Well, youre not the only one capable of self-sacrifice, he said, his voice stronger. Two can play at
that game.

What?

Ive behaved pretty badly myself. Ive made this much harder for you than I needed to. I could have
given up with good grace in the beginning. But I hurt you, too.

This is my fault.

I wont let you claim all the blame here, Bella. Or all the glory either. I know how to redeem myself.

What are you talking about? I demanded. The sudden, frenzied light in his eyes frightened me.

He glanced up at the sun and then smiled at me. Theres a pretty serious fight brewing down there. I
dont think it will be that difficult to take myself out of the picture.

 His words sank into my brain, slowly, one by one, and I couldnt breathe. Despite all my intentions to
cut Jacob out of my life completely, I didnt realize until that precise second exactly how deep the knife
would have to go to do it.

 Oh, no, Jake! No, no no no, I choked out in horror. No, Jake, no. Please, no. My knees began to
tremble.

Whats the difference, Bella? This will only make it more convenient for everyone. You wont even
have to move.

No! My voice got louder. No, Jacob! I wont let you!

How will you stop me? he taunted lightly, smiling to take the sting out of his tone.

Jacob, Im begging you. Stay with me. I would have fallen to my knees, if I could have moved at all.

 For fifteen minutes while I miss a good brawl? So that you can run away from me as soon as you think
Im safe again? Youve got to be kidding.

 I wont run away. Ive changed my mind. Well work something out, Jacob. Theres always a
compromise. Dont go!

Youre lying.

Im not. You know what a terrible liar I am. Look in my eyes. Ill stay if you do.

His face hardened. And I can beyour best man at the wedding?

It was a moment before I could speak, and still the only answer I could give him was, Please.

Thats what I thought, he said, his face going calm again, but for the turbulent light in his eyes.

I love you, Bella, he murmured.

I love you, Jacob, I whispered brokenly.

He smiled. I know that better than you do.

He turned to walk away.
Anything, I called after him in a strangled voice. Anything you want, Jacob. Just dont do this!

He paused, turning slowly.

I dont really think you mean that.

Stay, I begged.

He shook his head. No, Im going. He paused, as if deciding something. But I could leave it to fate.

What do you mean? I choked out.

I dont have to do anything deliberate  I could just do my best for my pack and let what happens
happen. He shrugged. Ifyou could convince me you really did want me to come back  more than
you wanted to do the selfless thing.

How? I asked.

You could ask me, he suggested.

Come back, I whispered. How could he doubt that I meant it?

He shook his head, smiling again. Thats not what Im talking about.

 It took me a second to grasp what he was saying, and all the while he was looking at me with this
superior expression  so sure of my reaction. As soon as the realization hit, though, I blurted out the
words without stopping to count the cost.

Will you kiss me, Jacob?

His eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed suspiciously. Youre bluffing.

Kiss me, Jacob. Kiss me, and then come back.

 He hesitated in the shadow, warring with himself. He half-turned again to the west, his torso twisting
away from me while his feet stayed planted where they were. Still looking away, he took one uncertain
step in my direction, and then another. He swung his face around to look at me, his eyes doubtful.

I stared back. I had no idea what expression was on my face.

 Jacob rocked back on his heels, and then lurched forward, closing the distance between us in three long
strides.

 I knew he would take advantage of the situation. I expected it. I held very still  my eyes closed, my
fingers curled into fists at my sides  as his hands caught my face and his lips found mine with an
eagerness that was not far from violence.

 I could feel his anger as his mouth discovered my passive resistance. One hand moved to the nape of my
neck, twisting into a fist around the roots of my hair. The other hand grabbed roughly at my shoulder,
shaking me, then dragging me to him. His hand continued down my arm, finding my wrist and pulling my
arm up around his neck. I left it there, my hand still tightly balled up, unsure how far I could go in my
desperation to keep him alive. All the while his lips, disconcertingly soft and warm, tried to force a
response out of mine.

As soon as he was sure I wouldnt drop my arm, he freed my wrist, his hand feeling its way down to my
waist. His burning hand found the skin at the small of my back, and he yanked me forward, bowing my
body against his.

 His lips gave up on mine for a moment, but I knew he was nowhere close to finished. His mouth
followed the line of my jaw, and then explored the length of my neck. He freed my hair, reaching for my
other arm to draw it around his neck like the first.

Then both of his arms were constricted around my waist, and his lips found my ear.

You can do better than this, Bella, he whispered huskily. Youre overthinking it.

I shivered as I felt his teeth graze my earlobe.

Thats right, he murmured. For once, just let yourself feel what you feel.

I shook my head mechanically until one of his hands wound back into my hair and stopped me.

His voice turned acidic. Are you sure you want me to come back? Or did you really want me to die?

 Anger rocked through me like the whiplash after a heavy punch. That was too much  he wasnt
fighting fair.

 My arms were already around his neck, so I grabbed two fistfuls of his hair  ignoring the stabbing pain
in my right hand  and fought back, struggling to pull my face away from his.

And Jacob misunderstood.

He was too strong to recognize that my hands, trying to yank his hair out by the roots, meant to cause
him pain. Instead of anger, he imagined passion. He thought I was finally responding to him.

With a wild gasp, he brought his mouth back to mine, his fingers clutching frantically against the skin at
my waist.

The jolt of anger unbalanced my tenuous hold on self-control; his unexpected, ecstatic response
overthrew it entirely. If there had been only triumph, I might have been able to resist him. But the utter
defenselessness of his sudden joy cracked my determination, disabled it. My brain disconnected from my
body, and I was kissing him back. Against all reason, my lips were moving with his in strange, confusing
ways theyd never moved before  because I didnt have to be careful with Jacob, and he certainly
wasnt being careful with me.

My fingers tightened in his hair, but I was pulling him closer now.

He was everywhere. The piercing sunlight turned my eyelids red, and the color fit, matched the heat. The
heat was everywhere. I couldnt see or hear or feel anything that wasnt Jacob.

The tiny piece of my brain that retained sanity screamed questions at me.
 Why wasnt I stopping this? Worse than that, why couldnt I find in myself even the desire towant to
stop? What did it mean that I didnt wanthim to stop? That my hands clung to his shoulders, and liked
that they were wide and strong? That his hands pulled me too tight against his body, and yet it was not
tight enough for me?

The questions were stupid, because I knew the answer: Id been lying to myself.

 Jacob was right. Hed been right all along. He was more than just my friend. Thats why it was so
impossible to tell him goodbye  because I was in love with him. Too. I loved him, much more than I
should, and yet, still nowhere near enough. I was in love with him, but it was not enough to change
anything; it was only enough to hurt us both more. To hurt him worse than I ever had.

 I didnt care about more than that  than his pain. I more than deserved whatever pain this caused me.
I hoped it was bad. I hoped I would really suffer.

In this moment, it felt as though we were the same person. His pain had always been and would always
be my pain  now his joy was my joy. I felt joy, too, and yet his happiness was somehow also pain.
Almost tangible  it burned against my skin like acid, a slow torture.

 For one brief, never-ending second, an entirely different path expanded behind the lids of my tear-wet
eyes. As if I were looking through the filter of Jacobs thoughts, I could see exactly what I was going to
give up, exactly what this new self-knowledge would not save me from losing. I could see Charlie and
Ren?e mixed into a strange collage with Billy and Sam and La Push. I could see years passing, and
meaning something as they passed, changing me. I could see the enormous red-brown wolf that I loved,
always standing as protector if I needed him. For the tiniest fragment of that second, I saw the bobbing
heads of two small, black-haired children, running away from me into the familiar forest. When they
disappeared, they took the rest of the vision with them.

And then, quite distinctly, I felt the splintering along the fissure line in my heart as the smaller part
wrenched itself away from the whole.

 Jacobs lips were still before mine were. I opened my eyes and he was staring at me with wonder and
elation.

I have to leave, he whispered.

No.

He smiled, pleased by my response. I wont be long, he promised. But one thing first . . .

He bent to kiss me again, and there was no reason to resist. What would be the point?

This time was different. His hands were soft on my face and his warm lips were gentle, unexpectedly
hesitant. It was brief, and very, very sweet.

His arms curled around me, and he hugged me securely while he whispered in my ear.

Thatshould have been our first kiss. Better late than never.

Against his chest, where he couldnt see, the tears welled up and spilled over.
24. SNAP DECISION

 ILAY FACEDOWN ACROSS THE SLEEPING BAG, WAITING for justice to find me. Maybe an
avalanche would bury me here. I wished it would. I never wanted to have to see my face in the mirror
again.

 There was no sound to warn me. Out of nowhere, Edwards cold hand stroked against my knotted hair.
I shuddered guiltily at his touch.

Are you all right? he murmured, his voice anxious.

No. I want to die.

That will never happen. I wont allow it.

I groaned and then whispered, You might change your mind about that.

Wheres Jacob?

He went to fight, I mumbled into the floor.

 Jacob had left the little camp joyfully  with a cheerful Ill be right back  running full tilt for the
clearing, already quivering as he prepared to shift to his other self. By now the whole pack knew
everything. Seth Clearwater, pacing outside the tent, was an intimate witness to my disgrace.

Edward was silent for a long moment. Oh, he finally said.

 The tone of his voice worried me that my avalanche wasnt coming fast enough. I peeked up at him and,
sure enough, his eyes were unfocused as he listened to something Id rather die than have him hear. I
dropped my face back to the floor.

It stunned me when Edward chuckled reluctantly.

 And I thoughtI fought dirty, he said with grudging admiration. He makes me look like the patron saint
of ethics. His hand brushed against the part of my cheek that was exposed. Im not mad at you, love.
Jacobs more cunning than I gave him credit for. I do wish you hadnt asked him, though.

Edward, I whispered to the rough nylon. I . . . I . . . Im 

Shh, he hushed me, his fingers soothing against my cheek. Thats not what I meant. Its just that he
would have kissed you anyway  even if you hadnt fallen for it  and now I dont have an excuse to
break his face. I would have really enjoyed that, too.

Fallen for it? I mumbled almost incomprehensibly.

Bella, did you really believe he was that noble? That he would go out in a flame of glory just to clear the
way for me?
I raised my head slowly to meet his patient gaze. His expression was soft; his eyes were full of
understanding rather than the revulsion I deserved to see.

 Yes, I did believe that, I muttered, and then looked away. But I didnt feel any anger at Jacob for
tricking me. There wasnt enough room in my body to contain anything besides the hatred I felt toward
myself.

 Edward laughed softly again. Youre such a bad liar, youll believe anyone who has the least bit of
skill.

Why arent you angry with me? I whispered. Why dont you hate me? Or havent you heard the
whole story yet?

 I think I got a fairly comprehensive look, he said in a light, easy voice. Jacob makes vivid mental
pictures. I feel almost as bad for his pack as I do for myself. Poor Seth was getting nauseated. But Sam
is making Jacob focus now.

I closed my eyes and shook my head in agony. The sharp nylon fibers of the tent floor scraped against
my skin.

Youre only human, he whispered, stroking my hair again.

Thats the most miserable defense Ive ever heard.

 But you are human, Bella. And, as much as I might wish otherwise, so is he. . . . There are holes in your
life that I cant fill. I understand that.

But thats nottrue. Thats what makes me so horrible. There are no holes.

You love him, he murmured gently.

Every cell in my body ached to deny it.

I love you more, I said. It was the best I could do.

 Yes, I know that, too. But . . . when I left you, Bella, I left you bleeding. Jacob was the one to stitch
you back up again. That was bound to leave its mark  on both of you. Im not sure those kinds of
stitches dissolve on their own. I cant blame 