 could do
with her that you cant. At least, not without killing her, that is.

Go to sleep, Jacob, Edward murmured. Youre starting to get on my nerves.

I think I will. Im really very comfortable.

Edward didnt answer.

I was too far gone to ask them to stop talking about me like I wasnt there. The conversation had taken
on a dreamlike quality to me, and I wasnt sure I was really awake.

Maybe I would, Edward said after a moment, answering a question I hadnt heard.

But would you be honest?

You can always ask and see. Edwards tone made me wonder if I was missing out on a joke.

Well, you see inside my head  let me see inside yours tonight, its only fair, Jacob said.

Your head is full of questions. Which one do you want me to answer?

The jealousy . . . ithas to be eating at you. You cant be as sure of yourself as you seem. Unless you
have no emotions at all.
Of course it is, Edward agreed, no longer amused. Right now its so bad that I can barely control my
voice. Of course, its even worse when shes away from me, with you, and I cant see her.

Do you think about it all the time? Jacob whispered. Does it make it hard to concentrate when shes
not with you?

 Yes and no, Edward said; he seemed determined to answer honestly. My mind doesnt work quite
the same as yours. I can think of many more things at one time. Of course, that means that Imalways
able to think of you, always able to wonder if thats where her mind is, when shes quiet and thoughtful.

They were both still for a minute.

 Yes, I would guess that she thinks about you often, Edward murmured in response to Jacobs
thoughts. More often than I like. She worries that youre unhappy. Not that you dont know that. Not
that you dontuse that.

 I have to use whatever I can, Jacob muttered. Im not working with your advantages  advantages
like her knowing shes in love with you.

That helps, Edward agreed in a mild tone.

Jacob was defiant. Shes in love with me, too, you know.

Edward didnt answer.

Jacob sighed. But shedoesnt know it.

I cant tell you if youre right.

Does that bother you? Do you wish you could see what shes thinking, too?

 Yes . . . and no, again. She likes it better this way, and, though it sometimes drives me insane, Id rather
she was happy.

The wind ripped around the tent, shaking it like an earthquake. Jacobs arms tightened around me
protectively.

Thank you, Edward whispered. Odd as this might sound, I suppose Im glad youre here, Jacob.

You mean, as much as Id love to kill you, Im glad shes warm, right?

Its an uncomfortable truce, isnt it?

Jacobs whisper was suddenly smug. I knew you were just as crazy jealous as I am.

Im not such a fool as to wear it on my sleeve like you do. It doesnt help your case, you know.

You have more patience than I do.

I should. Ive had a hundred years to gain it. A hundred years of waiting forher. 
So . . . at what point did you decide to play the very patient good guy?

 When I saw how much it was hurting her to make her choose. Its not usually this difficult to control. I
can smother the . . . less civilized feelings I may have for you fairly easily most of the time. Sometimes I
think she sees through me, but I cant be sure.

I think you were just worried that if you really forced her to choose, she might not choose you.

 Edward didnt answer right away. That was a part of it, he finally admitted. But only a small part. We
all have our moments of doubt. Mostly I was worried that shed hurt herself trying to sneak away to see
you. After Id accepted that she was more or less safe with you  as safe as Bella ever is  it seemed
best to stop driving her to extremes.

Jacob sighed. Id tell her all of this, but shed never believe me.

I know. It sounded like Edward was smiling.

You think you know everything, Jacob muttered.

I dont know the future, Edward said, his voice suddenly unsure.

There was a long pause.

What would you do if she changed her mind? Jacob asked.

I dont know that either.

Jacob chuckled quietly. Would you try to kill me? Sarcastic again, as if doubting Edwards ability to
do it.

No.

Why not? Jacobs tone was still jeering.

Do you really think I would hurt her that way?

 Jacob hesitated for a second, and then sighed. Yeah, youre right. I know thats right. But sometimes . .
.

Sometimes its an intriguing idea.

Jacob pressed his face into the sleeping bag to muffle his laugher. Exactly, he eventually agreed.

What a strange dream this was. I wondered if it was the relentless wind that made me imagine all the
whispering. Only the wind was screaming rather than whispering . . .

 What is it like? Losing her? Jacob asked after a quiet moment, and there was no hint of humor in his
suddenly hoarse voice. When you thought that youd lost her forever? How did you . . . cope?

Thats very difficult for me to talk about.
Jacob waited.

 There were two different times that I thought that. Edward spoke each word just a little slower than
normal. The first time, when I thought I could leave her . . . that was . . . almost bearable. Because I
thought she would forget me and it would be like I hadnt touched her life. For over six months I was
able to stay away, to keep my promise that I wouldnt interfere again. It was getting close  I was
fighting but I knew I wasnt going to win; I would have come back . . . just to check on her. Thats what
I would have told myself, anyway. And if Id found her reasonably happy . . . I like to think that I could
have gone away again.

 But she wasnt happy. And I would have stayed. Thats how she convinced me to stay with her
tomorrow, of course. You were wondering about that before, what could possibly motivate me . . . what
she was feeling so needlessly guilty about. She reminded me of what it did to her when I left  what it
still does to her when I leave. She feels horrible about bringing that up, but shes right. Ill never be able
to make up for that, but Ill never stop trying anyway.

Jacob didnt respond for a moment, listening to the storm or digesting what hed heard, I didnt know
which.

And the other time  when you thought she was dead? Jacob whispered roughly.

Yes. Edward answered a different question. It will probably feel like that to you, wont it? The way
you perceive us, you might not be able to see her asBella anymore. But thats who shell be.

Thats not what I asked.

Edwards voice came back fast and hard. I cant tell you how it felt. There arent words.

Jacobs arms flexed around me.

But you left because you didnt want to make her a bloodsucker. Youwant her to be human.

 Edward spoke slowly. Jacob, from the second that I realized that I loved her, I knew there were only
four possibilities. The first alternative, the best one for Bella, would be if she didnt feel as strongly for me
 if she got over me and moved on. I would accept that, though it would never change the way I felt.
You think of me as a . . . living stone  hard and cold. Thats true. We are set the way we are, and it is
very rare for us to experience a real change. When that happens, as when Bella entered my life, it is a
permanent change. Theres no going back. . . .

 The second alternative, the one Id originally chosen, was to stay with her throughout her human life. It
wasnt a good option for her, to waste her life with someone who couldnt be human with her, but it was
the alternative I could most easily face. Knowing all along that, when she died, I would find a way to die,
too. Sixty years, seventy years  it would seem like a very, very short time to me. . . . But then it proved
much too dangerous for her to live in such close proximity with my world. It seemed like everything that
could go wrong did. Or hung over us . . . waiting to go wrong. I was terrified that I wouldnt get those
sixty years if I stayed near her while she was human.

 So I chose option three. Which turned out to be the worst mistake of my very long life, as you know. I
chose to take myself out of her world, hoping to force her into the first alternative. It didnt work, and it
very nearly killed us both.
 What do I have left but the fourth option? Its what she wants  at least, she thinks she does. Ive
been trying to delay her, to give her time to find a reason to change her mind, but shes very . . .
stubborn. You knowthat. Ill be lucky to stretch this out a few more months. She has a horror of getting
older, and her birthday is in September. . . .

I like option one, Jacob muttered.

Edward didnt respond.

 You knowexactly how much I hate to accept this, Jacob whispered slowly, but I can see that you do
love her . . . in your way. I cant argue with that anymore.

 Given that, I dont think you should give up on the first alternative, not yet. I think theres a very good
chance that she would be okay. After time. You know, if she hadnt jumped off a cliff in March . . . and if
youd waited another six months to check on her. . . . Well, you might have found her reasonably happy.
I had a game plan.

Edward chuckled. Maybe it would have worked. It was a well thought-out plan.

 Yeah. Jake sighed. But . . . , suddenly he was whispering so fast the words got tangled, give me a
year, bl  Edward. I really think I could make her happy. Shes stubborn, no one knows that better
than I do, but shes capable of healing. She would have healed before. And she could be human, with
Charlie and Ren?e, and she could grow up, and have kids and . . . be Bella.

 You love her enough that you have to see the advantages of that plan. She thinks youre very unselfish .
. . are you really? Can you consider the idea that I might be better for her than you are?

 Ihave considered it, Edward answered quietly. In some ways, you would be better suited for her
than another human. Bella takes some looking after, and youre strong enough that you could protect her
from herself, and from everything that conspires against her. Youhave done that already, and Ill owe
you for that for as long as I live  forever  whichever comes first. . . .

 I even asked Alice if she could see that  see if Bella would be better off with you. She couldnt, of
course. She cant see you, and then Bellas sure of her course, for now.

 But Im not stupid enough to make the same mistake I made before, Jacob. I wont try to force her into
that first option again. As long as she wants me, Im here.

 And if she were to decide that she wanted me? Jacob challenged. Okay, its a long shot, Ill give you
that.

I would let her go.

Just like that?

 In the sense that Id never show her how hard it was for me, yes. But I would keep watch. You see,
Jacob,you might leaveher someday. Like Sam and Emily, you wouldnt have a choice. I would always
be waiting in the wings, hoping for that to happen.

Jacob snorted quietly. Well, youve been much more honest than I had any right to expect . . . Edward.
Thanks for letting me in your head.
 As I said, Im feeling oddly grateful for your presence in her life tonight. It was the least I could do. . . .
You know, Jacob, if it werent for the fact that were natural enemies and that youre also trying to steal
away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you.

 Maybe . . . if you werent a disgusting vampire who was planning to suck out the life of the girl I love . .
. well, no, not even then.

Edward chuckled.

Can I ask you something? Edward said after a moment.

Why would you have to ask?

I can only hear if you think of it. Its just a story that Bella seemed reluctant to tell me about the other
day. Something about a third wife . . . ?

What about it?

Edward didnt answer, listening to the story in Jacobs head. I heard his low hiss in the darkness.

What? Jacob demanded again.

 Of course, Edward seethed. Of course! I rather wish your elders had keptthat story to themselves,
Jacob.

You dont like the leeches being painted as the bad guys? Jacob mocked. You know, theyare. Then
and now.

I really couldnt care less about that part. Cant you guess which character Bella would identify with?

It took Jacob a minute. Oh. Ugh. The third wife. Okay, I see your point.

 She wants to be there in the clearing. To do what little she can, as she puts it. He sighed. That was
the secondary reason for my staying with her tomorrow. Shes quite inventive when she wants
something.

You know, your military brother gave her the idea just as much as the story did.

Neither side meant any harm, Edward whispered, peace-making now.

And when doesthis little truce end? Jacob asked. First light? Or do we wait until after the fight?

There was a pause as they both considered.

First light, they whispered together, and then laughed quietly.

Sleep well, Jacob, Edward murmured. Enjoy the moment.

It was quiet again, and the tent held still for a few minutes. The wind seemed to have decided that it
wasnt going to flatten us after all, and was giving up the fight.
Edward groaned softly. I didnt mean that quite so literally.

Sorry, Jacob whispered. You could leave, you know  give us a little privacy.

Would you like me tohelp you sleep, Jacob? Edward offered.

 You could try, Jacob said, unconcerned. It would be interesting to see who walked away, wouldnt
it?

Dont tempt me too far, wolf. My patience isntthat perfect.

Jacob whispered a laugh. Id rather not move just now, if you dont mind.

 Edward started humming to himself, louder than usual  trying to drown out Jacobs thoughts, I
assumed. But it was my lullaby he hummed, and, despite my growing discomfort with this whispered
dream, I sank deeper into unconsciousness . . . into other dreams that made better sense. . . .



23. MONSTER

 WHEN I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING, IT WAS VERYbright  even inside the tent, the sunlight
hurt my eyes. And Iwas sweating, as Jacob had predicted. Jacob was snoring lightly in my ear, his arms
still wrapped around me.

 I pulled my head away from his feverishly warm chest and felt the sting of the cold morning on my
clammy cheek. Jacob sighed in his sleep; his arms tightened unconsciously.

I squirmed, unable to loosen his hold, struggling to lift my head enough to see. . . .

Edward met my gaze evenly. His expression was calm, but the pain in his eyes was unconcealed.

Is it any warmer out there? I whispered.

Yes. I dont think the space heater will be necessary today.

 I tried to get to the zipper, but I couldnt free my arms. I strained, fighting against Jacobs inert strength.
Jacob muttered, still fast asleep, his arms constricting again.

Some help? I asked quietly.

Edward smiled. Did you want me to take his arms all the way off?

No, thank you. Just get me free. Im going to get heat stroke.

 Edward unzipped the sleeping bag in a swift, abrupt movement. Jacob fell out, his bare back hitting the
icy floor of the tent.

Hey! he complained, his eyes flying open. Instinctively, he flinched away from the cold, rolling onto
me. I gasped as his weight knocked the breath out of me.
 And then his weight was gone. I felt the impact as Jacob flew into one of the tent poles and the tent
shuddered.

 The growling erupted from all around. Edward was crouching in front of me, and I couldnt see his face,
but the snarls were ripping angrily out of his chest. Jacob was half-crouched, too, his whole body
quivering, while growls rumbled through his clenched teeth. Outside the tent, Seth Clearwaters vicious
snarls echoed off the rocks.

 Stop it, stop it! I yelled, scrambling awkwardly to put myself between them. The space was so small
that I didnt have to stretch far to put one hand on each of their chests. Edward wrapped his hand around
my waist, ready to yank me out of the way.

Stop it, now, I warned him.

 Under my touch, Jacob began to calm himself. The shaking slowed, but his teeth were still bared, his
eyes furiously focused on Edward. Seth continued to growl, a long unbroken sound, a violent
background to the sudden silence in the tent.

Jacob? I asked, waiting until he finally dropped his glare to look at me. Are you hurt?

Of course not! he hissed.

 I turned to Edward. He was looking at me, his expression hard and angry. That wasnt nice. You
should say sorry.

His eyes widened in disgust. You must be joking  he was crushing you!

Because you dumped him on the floor! He didnt do it on purpose, and he didnt hurt me.

Edward groaned, revolted. Slowly, he looked up to glare at Jacob with hostile eyes. My apologies,
dog.

No harm done, Jacob said, a taunting edge to his voice.

It was still cold, though not as cold as it had been. I curled my arms around my chest.

 Here, Edward said, calm again. He took the parka off the floor and wrapped it over the top of my
coat.

Thats Jacobs, I objected.

Jacob has a fur coat, Edward hinted.

 Ill just use the sleeping bag again, if you dont mind. Jacob ignored him, climbing around us and sliding
into the down bag. I wasnt quite ready to wake up. That wasnt the best nights sleep I ever had.

It was your idea, Edward said impassively.

 Jacob was curled up, his eyes already closed. He yawned. I didnt say it wasnt the best night Ive ever
spent. Just that I didnt get a lot of sleep. I thought Bella was never going to shut up.
I winced, wondering what might have come out of my mouth in my sleep. The possibilities were
horrifying.

Im glad you enjoyed yourself, Edward murmured.

Jacobs dark eyes fluttered open. Didnt you have a nice night, then? he asked, smug.

It wasnt the worst night of my life.

Did it make the top ten? Jacob asked with perverse enjoyment.

Possibly.

Jacob smiled and closed his eyes.

 But, Edward went on, if I had been able to take your place last night, it would not have made the top
ten of thebest nights of my life. Dream about that.

Jacobs eyes opened into a glare. He sat up stiffly, his shoulders tense.

You know what? I think its too crowded in here.

I couldnt agree more.

I elbowed Edward in the ribs  probably giving myself a bruise.

Guess Ill catch up on my sleep later, then. Jacob made a face. I need to talk to Sam anyway.

He rolled to his knees and grabbed the doors zipper.

 Pain crackled down my spine and lodged in my stomach as I abruptly realized that this could be the last
time I would see him. He was going back to Sam, back to fight the horde of bloodthirsty newborn
vampires.

Jake, wait  I reached after him, my hand sliding down his arm.

He jerked his arm away before my fingers could find purchase.

Please, Jake? Wont you stay?

No.

 The word was hard and cold. I knew my face gave away my pain, because he exhaled and half a smile
softened his expression.

 Dont worry about me, Bells. Ill be fine, just like I always am. He forced a laugh. Sides, you think
Im going to let Seth go in my place  have all the fun and steal all the glory? Right. He snorted.

Be careful 
He shoved out of the tent before I could finish.

Give it a rest, Bella, I heard him mutter as he re-zipped the door.

I listened for the sound of his retreating footsteps, but it was perfectly still. No more wind. I could hear
morning birdsong far away on the mountain, and nothing else. Jacob moved in silence now.

I huddled in my coats, and leaned against Edwards shoulder. We were quiet for a long time.

How much longer? I asked.

Alice told Sam it should be an hour or so, Edward said, soft and bleak.

We stay together. No matter what.

No matter what, he agreed, his eyes tight.

I know, I said. Im terrified for them, too.

They know how to handle themselves, Edward assured me, purposely making his voice light. I just
hate missing the fun.

Again with thefun. My nostrils flared.

He put his arm around my shoulder. Dont worry, he urged, and then he kissed my forehead.

As if there was any way to avoid that. Sure, sure.

Do you want me to distract you? He breathed, running his cold fingers along my cheekbone.

I shivered involuntarily; the morning was still frosty.

Maybe not right now, he answered himself, pulling his hand away.

There are other ways to distract me.

What would you like?

You could tell me about your ten best nights, I suggested. Im curious.

He laughed. Try to guess.

I shook my head. Therere too many nights I dont know about. A century of them.

Ill narrow it down for you. All of my best nights have happened since I met you.

Really?

Yes, really  and by quite a wide margin, too.

I thought for a minute. I can only think of mine, I admitted.
They might be the same, he encouraged.

Well, there was the first night. The night you stayed.

Yes, thats one of mine, too. Of course, you were unconscious for my favorite part.

Thats right, I remembered. I was talking that night, too.

Yes, he agreed.

 My face got hot as I wondered again what I might have said while sleeping in Jacobs arms. I couldnt
remember what Id dreamed about, or if Id dreamed at all, so that was no help.

What did I say last night? I whispered more quietly than before.

He shrugged instead of answering, and I winced.

That bad?

Nothing too horrible, he sighed.

Please tell me.

Mostly you said my name, the same as usual.

Thats not bad, I agreed cautiously.

Near the end, though, you started mumbling some nonsense about Jacob, my Jacob. I could hear the
pain, even in the whisper. Your Jacob enjoyedthat quite a lot.

I stretched my neck up, straining to reach my lips to the edge of his jaw. I couldnt see into his eyes. He
was staring up at the ceiling of the tent.

Sorry, I murmured. Thats just the way I differentiate.

Differentiate?

Between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Between the Jacob I like and the one who annoys the hell out of
me, I explained.

That makes sense. He sounded slightly mollified. Tell me another favorite night.

Flying home from Italy.

He frowned.

Is that not one of yours? I wondered.

 No, itis one of mine, actually, but Im surprised its on your list. Werent you under the ludicrous
impression I was just acting from a guilty conscience, and I was going to bolt as soon as the plane doors
opened?

Yes. I smiled. But, still, you were there.

He kissed my hair. You love me more than I deserve.

I laughed at the impossibility of that idea. Next would be the night after Italy, I continued.

Yes, thats on the list. You were so funny.

Funny? I objected.

I had no idea your dreams were so vivid. It took me forever to convince you that you were awake.

Im still not sure, I muttered. Youve always seemed more like a dream than reality. Tell me one of
yours, now. Did I guess your first place?

No  that would be two nights ago, when you finally agreed to marry me.

I made a face.

That doesnt make your list?

 I thought about the way hed kissed me, the concession Id gained, and changed my mind. Yes . . . it
does. But with reservations. I dont understand why its so important to you. You already had me
forever.

A hundred years from now, when youve gained enough perspective to really appreciate the answer, I
will explain it to you.

Ill remind you to explain  in a hundred years.

Are you warm enough? he asked suddenly.

Im fine, I assured him. Why?

Before he could answer, the silence outside the tent was ripped apart by an earsplitting howl of pain.
The sound ricocheted off the bare rock face of the mountain and filled the air so that it seared from every
direction.

 The howl tore through my mind like a tornado, both strange and familiar. Strange because Id never
heard such a tortured cry before. Familiar because I knew the voice at once  I recognized the sound
and understood the meaning as perfectly as if Id uttered it myself. It made no difference that Jacob was
not human when he cried out. I needed no translation.

Jacob was close. Jacob had heard every word wed said. Jacob was in agony.

The howl choked off into a peculiar gurgled sob, and then it was quiet again.

I did not hear his silent escape, but I could feel it  I could feel the absence I had wrongly assumed
before, the empty space he left behind.
 Because your space heater has reached his limit, Edward answered quietly. Truce over, he added,
so low I couldnt be sure that was really what hed said.

Jacob was listening, I whispered. It wasnt a question.

Yes.

You knew.

Yes.

I stared at nothing, seeing nothing.

I never promised to fight fair, he reminded me quietly. And he deserves to know.

My head fell into my hands.

Are you angry with me? he asked.

Not you, I whispered. Im horrified atme. 

Dont torment yourself, he pleaded.

 Yes, 